1. Command

$ npx news smithsonian-ideology-audit --force-funding-compliance

2. Output

INFO: Initializing ideological compliance scan for Smithsonian Institution (PID 179).

DEBUG: Scan initiated by WH-DPC Director Vince Haley & OMB Chief Russ Vought. Apparently, someone ran git blame on American history and didn't like the commit messages.

WARN: Previous data submission (September) from Smithsonian detected as "insufficient". Expected: full compliance. Received: "fell far short of what was requested."

ERROR: Critical System Threat: White House signals potential funding rm -rf if Smithsonian fails to align with "positive view of American history." This is not a drill. Federal government supplies two-thirds of Smithsonian's budget.

INFO: President Trump previously declared Smithsonian "out of control", citing concerns about "how horrible our Country is, how bad Slavery was." Apparently, historical accuracy is now a configurable boolean.

DEBUG: Request includes "organizational charts, curatorial manuals, proposals for future exhibitions, and in-depth information about its programming for the US’ 250th anniversary." Seems like they want the source code for the entire museum.

ALERT:

"The American people will have no patience for any museum that is diffident about America’s founding or otherwise uncomfortable conveying a positive view of American history..."

INFO: Smithsonian Secretary Lonnie Bunch III committed to sharing information, attributing delays to a recent 43-day government shutdown. Unexpected dependency issue.

WARN: Museum ethics expert Janet Marstine commented: "Nobody could provide those kinds of materials in such a comprehensive way, in that short amount of time, and so it’s just an impossible task." Expected failure state due to impossible requirements.

3. Stacktrace (If This News Were Code)

Exception in thread "main" java.lang.SecurityException: AccessDenied: Attempted to modify historical context without proper authorization.

at gov.whitehouse.policy.HistoryRewriter.validate(HistoryRewriter.java:67)

at gov.smithsonian.curation.Exhibit.load(Exhibit.java:124)

at gov.smithsonian.institution.Main.runAudit(Main.java:301)

Caused by: gov.whitehouse.policy.IdeologicalIncompatibilityException: Detected 'divisive narratives' in Smithsonian.HistoricalData; Expected 'unflinchingly patriotic narrative'.

Segmentation fault? Unexpected behavior? Panic! The White House tried to patch -p1 < american_history.diff, but the Smithsonian.jar is read-only.

This led to a RuntimeException in the CultureController, resulting in a FundingCrisisError instead of the desired PropagandaSuccessEvent. Clearly, version control for national narratives is more complex than anticipated.

4. Patch Notes

• - Fixed: Previously held belief that museums operate independently of political whims. This feature was deprecated.
• - Added: New --force-ideology flag to npx funding command, enabling conditional budget allocation based on narrative compliance.
• - Changed: Definition of "American history" to include only "positive views." All other historical data is now marked as legacy_code for potential refactoring or deletion.
• - Known Issue: smithsonian.funding.budgetPercentage variable now highly volatile, dependent on ideology.complianceRating. Expect runtime errors.
• - WARN: Curatorial staff advised to use try-catch blocks when developing new exhibits, especially around sensitive topics like *checks notes*... American history.
• - DEBUG: Humans continue to interpret history differently, despite efforts to enforce a single MASTER branch.